Let's think about it

Let’s think about it. It has been already 11 months since I got here and there is a lot of things to think about. It has been good, but also bad sometimes. And even if we always try to remember the good things, the bad ones help us to learn about mistakes that we should never repeat again.

It was difficult when I arrived. I didn’t know what to do first. But after a while I found a job, I had somewhere to live, the friends of my friends were my friends now and little by little I was getting used to Edinburgh’s lifestyle.

Here I discovered that I could do anything I wanted without having to be judged by anyone. Nobody cares about what you do, which it can be great, but not so much when you don’t expect it. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

That’s when I started to mess around. I found a new job where I didn’t have to face customers. New people appeared in my life making me have some of the craziest parties ever. And a new life started full of work, parties, people, sex and alcohol. I was 24/7 partying. There was nothing more important. I could meet someone different every night without having to care if we would ever meet again. But I learnt something. If you play with fire, you end up burning yourself.

After getting sick, I stopped playing. Something needed to change for good. There is always needed a goal to get reached. Otherwise you just mess around with your life. So I focused in my professional career. I had a chat with my boss and I was promised to get promoted. I would have a permanent contract and I would be moved to the Front Office department. That was good. More than good, was awesome.

But right now, I look around and I see myself as nothing else but as station where people stops but no one remains. I miss studying, but I will have to wait until August to find out if I can join the University. I want to learn languages, but nothing seems easy. And being permanent has become an issue. From where am I supposed to get time to study languages? Do I really want to be just working? Shouldn’t I be enjoying a little bit more before looking for a serious job?

I know I am always complaining, so this does not make any difference. Is just some thoughts that need to be somewhere, so they are not in my head. I feel like the serious life that I was running away from, has appear too soon. But, I wouldn’t like to miss a big opportunity just because of my doubts and insecurities. I don’t know where to be. I am enjoying every single minute, but it seems that life runs without asking if you are ready for it. It seems like every single minute that I’m here I’m losing everything I have back at home. But what if I go back and nothing is like it used to be, like it should be? What If I stay here and I realise too late that all of this was a mistake? I feel between worlds. Those who choose study, those who choose do nothing, those who choose work... In which of those places am I?

I am seating in the middle of nowhere. I am in one of those places where if you stay quite enough, you just disappear...